Three Dangerous Adventures in a Tropical Paradise

Three Dangerous Adventures in a Tropical Paradise. First Mate’s Notes. Koh Samui, Thailand 🙂 I need to check my horoscope.... The stars seem to have had something ominous in store... The adventures began yesterday morning. First there was a cobra and a giant jellyfish, and now we’ve gone flying off a moped... head over heels across wet tarmac. All three of us took a beating (me, Andrei, and our transport). At the moment, our once brand-new and now badly scratched bike (as mopeds are called in Thailand) stands forlornly by the porch, while we, slathered in Rescuer ointment, are drying out on the terrace in the pose of pinned butterflies. ...And it’s all because of my incurable urge to climb into places where I’m bound to get more than I bargained for! . Adventure One At dawn, I decided that come what may, I was going to swim out to a raft moored about 300 metres offshore by the Germans from the neighbouring “village.” Considering that I swim about as well as an axe, the undertaking was risky in itself. After reaching my destination some 40 minutes later, I didn’t bother reading the sign all the way through—the bit about “keep off, private property” and all that—and somehow managed to heave my exhausted body onto the raft. On my second breath, I noticed a large submerged buoy next to it. I rubbed my eyes—good Lord!... A jellyfish, about 50 centimetres in diameter, like a huge, fat porcini mushroom with octopus legs. The one in the photo isn’t exactly it, but something along those lines, except that one was maroon-brown and had a long tail 🙂 The monster, inflating its bell, was scuttling its tentacles about in the very spot I had just climbed out of. They say the harm caused by contact with most jellyfish is directly proportional to their size :). Anyway, I swam back at a cracking pace, in a verrry elevated state of mind. After returning from my swim, I read online that this kind of jellyfish is one of the most dangerous animals on Earth. The touch of its 4–5-metre venomous tentacles may be the last thing an unlucky swimmer ever feels. Encounters like this cool down normal people. Others find them inspiring and go on to new feats of daring :). . Adventure Two By lunchtime that same day, I was bored again, so we raced off to liven up our sedentary holiday beneath the palms by going as far into the jungle as possible. The island map showed a concrete road running from south to north. Halfway there, we rejoiced at the sight of brand-new concrete (not a fly had landed on it!) and enthusiastically opened the throttle. A hundred metres farther on, that brand-new concrete ended, as the Thais like it to, against a wall of forest. Fifty metres before the dead end, we found a dirt track and decided this must be how the locals crossed the island while the main road was being built :). The road plunged downhill, then soared back up slopes thickly overgrown with damp forest. Every now and then we saw the modest dwellings of orchard caretakers. We passed a durian avenue, banana plantations, and groves of jackfruit trees. As for coconuts, they grow everywhere in neat rows, even in ravines that look inaccessible. At the end of the last century, Samui was the largest coconut-palm plantation in the world (!), and to this day it looks like a coconut paradise. The dirt track turned into a trail, and in places I walked alongside the bike. Thankfully, not all the time. The snake was crossing the road just as I had taken the passenger seat. We politely slowed down to let a metre and a half of scaly flesh, as thick as my arm, pass. The cobra crossed our path with dignity, and just as our bare legs drew level with it, it turned around to say “Thank you” and... spread its hood with a hiss. A patterned greenish-yellow diamond stood out clearly on its dark-grey back. Just like in an Indian film.... We managed to gun it with all our might and got away with only a mild fright. Photo from the internet. At the time, taking one was the last thing on our minds ) Lord, thank you for keeping us safe! I love animals, of course, but not that much. . Adventure Three And throughout the following day, we once again delighted in riding the moped through the most out-of-the-way places. This time it was the headland separating Bang Po and Nathon. We followed tracks to inspect houses “for rent,” unfinished hotels, and the builders’ tin shacks, and ended up on a narrow isthmus connecting a hill jutting out into the sea with the rest of the island. Naturally, not riding the moped up the hill—on a good “concrete road,” no less—would have meant having no self-respect, especially after we spotted a sign scratched by someone’s caring hand: “Monk cave.” Not even the road’s 45-degree gradient put us off: if someone had laid concrete, then someone must need it! The moped growled under the strain and, after a hundred metres, came to a standstill. Jump! Andrei shouted. And we began rolling backwards down the slope. Until the very last second, I couldn’t believe the fall was inevitable, so I didn’t push off from the footrests, afraid the shove would make the bike topple over. The bike toppled over for a different reason—it simply can’t travel vertically. Realising that we really were falling, I pushed off and went somersaulting down the concrete incline. Andrei performed the same somersault while hugging the bike tightly so the bike wouldn’t be scared. In the end, everyone was in pain :). After having a cry on the concrete slope, we set off, bloodied, to find out where this happy road would lead. As expected, it led to “Dead End of the Evil Spirits—13.” That was also where the sturdy concrete utility poles and wires ended, and the sea began below the cliff. The local cicadas had never heard so much as a whisper about any cave. Everything in true Thai folk style :)). For the grand finale, a tropical downpour began, and we transported the moped back to a proper road beneath it. The rain washed away sweat, blood, and tears, and cooled our ardour and our wounds. For three days, we didn’t move around very well, preferring to sit in the shade of the terrace with our limbs twisted so the wounds faced upwards. Which temporarily kept us from any new “feats of daring.” . Epilogue Nearly seven years have passed since then, and much has changed on Samui. But as a memento of those adventures, Andrei still has a patch on his head where no hair grows—the spot he sanded down on that concrete road into clouds nowhere :). This is what Thai roads look like after rain 🙂 The First Mate glides above the jungle on a zip line ). Samui orchids at the “Samui Yacht Club hotel” You may also find this brief (and practical) guide to where to go in Thailand useful: Thailand